Leave the box alone!
Before I begin, let me make this clear: I usually am indeed in a relationship on Valentines. When I haven’t been, I’ve spent it with my mother and we’ve had a blast…because even before my father died, he wasn’t exactly a big gift giver…and he was a musician. Which means on any given holiday he was working.
So, my fiancé sent me this cartoon tonight:
(courtesy of xkcd – a great, GREAT strip)
While this is a great strip (seriously, I love them)…it demonstrates a basic flaw with this holiday – it’s simplicity and people’s failure to understand and embrace that. Folks, this is the most turn-key, push-the-button-and-you’re-done holiday ever, ever, EVER.
Now, before we go farther: Yes, it is a created holiday. Yes, it’s entirely commercial. No, there is no real meaning behind it in any way. And YES, she’s STILL GOING TO THINK YOU’RE AN ASS if you SKIP IT based on ANY of that, or really, any other reasons. So stop trying to reason a way out of it or around it, and seriously, STOP trying to “think outside the box”.
This box is fine.
So, now that we’ve got that cleared up, let’s take a look at what you should do this valentine’s day:
Non-sexual relationship (re: underaged, not ready, only been together two weeks, whatever the hell the reason is)
FOR HIM: A video game, a book, a movie, or a gift certificate.
FOR HER: A box of chocolates and some flowers.
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New sexual relationship (re: together less than six months, still humping like bunnies)
FOR HIM: A video game, a book, a movie, or a gift certificate, and a gift certificate for oral sex.
FOR HER: A box of chocolates, some flowers and a gift certificate for a massage – one you give is good only if you’re willing to do it.
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Established sexual relationship (re: together a while but not married, engaged or living together)
FOR HIM: Porn. Seriously, give the man porn. He likes porn. So do you, if you’re honest with yourself.
FOR HER: Take her to dinner somewhere with a view. Give her a small, not expensive necklace. And chocolate. You do not get out of giving her chocolate. You know what she looks forward to on Valentine’s day? Going home and eating that damned chocolate.
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Entrenched sexual relationship (re: married, engaged and/or living together)
FOR HIM: Porn to SHARE WITH HIM, and buy yourself something sexy to wear. All he cares about on valentines is getting laid…he’s already stressing about the day enough.
FOR HER: Flowers, a gift certificate for a PROFESSIONAL massage, and chocolate. Also, take her out to eat, but if you’ve been married a while, give her notice. She needs to buy something to wear. And let her know you remember – because at this point, that’s all she cares about. That you remember the fuckin’ day and think to do something special. Jewelry if it’s been a few years since you did that. If you’ve been married more than ten years, and you don’t know these rules, you’re lying about being married anyway.
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Entrenched relationship that’s lost it’s sexual fire (re: married fifty plus years and not apparently a member of my family :p )
FOR HIM: Yeah, if it hasn’t happened in 5+ years, it’s not going to. Buy him a movie, a book, or a gift certificate, and a nice watch or something comfy to wear around the house that doesn’t remind him of the lack of sex in an overt way.
FOR HER: Again, if it hasn’t happened in 5+ years, don’t make it worse by hinting for it. Buy her chocolate, flowers, and whatever sparkly thing you can afford and know she’ll like. Take her out to dinner, and just have a nice evening.
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And that covers it. Seriously, that’s it. And hey, you know what wasn’t in that list? Him buying HER lingerie. Do not do that. She doesn’t like it – and it probably won’t fit. She’s either much larger or smaller than you think and either way she’ll be insulted both that you thought that was her size, and that you got her a gift that was basically a gift for YOU. This holiday can be SO easy, and you can just get on with your damned lives if you just stay IN THE DAMNED BOX.
Seriously, this is not the time for creative thinking. It’s not appreciated unless you REALLY know what you’re doing. Most of the time? You just want to get her the damned flowers and candy. She really only wants the candy anyway – the flowers are to show off to her friends.
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(note: I’ve edited this post like three times. I do not know why it’s doing funky things in Google Reader. I’m sorry :p I don’t think I can fix it.)
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