As a tribute to Bill Larkin…
Bill Larkin is a friend of my father’s, also one of the funniest men I’ve EVER met.
I am posting the lyrics to “I’m Just Your Mom” here…these lyrics are NOT my property, and you ABSOLUTELY should buy this song (here or here – and here’s his site). I pulled these lyrics from listening to the thing over and over because I COULD NOT stop laughing.
The Italian portion is what I hear. :p You may hear somethin’ else.
There’ve been women through the ages who have really left their mark
Cleopatra, Emilia Earheart, and of course, there’s Joan Van Arc
But my mother tops them all, and here’s the reason why;
Whenever I do one thing wrong, I can hear her cry:
Why don’t you throw me in the winter snow and leave me there to freeze
Or I’ll just die of fear or stress or maybe catch a rare disease
Or stick my head inside an oven set at twelve-hundred degrees
Hey, don’t worry, please, I’m just YOUR MOM
You never ever wash the dishes, clean your room or mow the grass
Every sunday you’re satanic when I drag you off to Mass
And boy it was heaven every day I wiped your ass!
Oh, forgive me if I’m crass, I’m just YOUR MOM!
She wants me to be happy! And to let me have my freedom
And then we’ll bake some cookies – and she tells me I can’t eat them.
She buys me all these…I…wanna say “shirts”…wth the ninty-inch lapels
And when I say “I will not wear them!” this is what she yells:
You’ll wear exactly what they tell you to, if not I’ll get a gun
and I will shoot you if I have to I don’t care if you’re my son,
and don’t think I can’t take you just because I’m five-foot-one,
I could’ve been a goddamn NUN, but I’m YOUR MOM!!
And if you EVER disobey, I’ll grab a treebranch from above,
and I’ll stick it in your eye, and I’ll give it such a shove,
then I will throw away the evidence and hide the bloody glove,
but I do it out of love, ’cause I’m YOUR MOM!
She’s always at the hair salon where they know her by name,
and later when she comes back home, her hair is JUST THE SAME!
She tells me dad is great in bed…in fact, he’s such a stallion.
She always shares too much. She can’t help it…she’s ITALIAN!
Es patchimos patchim vastaprim qualita, schootcha menda galbacosa
mala omacastamocha pota mackapita pota masapia eye yi yi kikikiki
I don’t know what the hell she’s saying, she’s MY MOM!
I do the cooking and the cleaning and the shopping and the banking!
After all I’ve done for you I think it’s me you should be thanking!
Instead you’ve taken magazines to bed and started wanking!
I should give you such a spanking, I’m YOUR MOM!
Why don’t you just set me on fire and then shove me off a pier!
Every time I tell you something it goes out the other ear!
I can’t believe I carried you inside my body for a year!
Just forget I’m even here! I’m just YOUR MOM!!
Bill Larkin, you’re my hero 😀