MY EMAIL IS CLOSED

No, I did not get the email you sent me this morning. If it was sent after 10am, I already checked my email for the morning and closed the tab.

No, I do not sit there with the tab open all day and perpetually check my email.

No, I do not use a program to alert me whenever a new email message comes in.

No, I do not check my email on my phone.

No, I do not check my email on my iPad. As a matter of fact, my iPad has an unrelated email address attached to it so I can send stuff easily without having to sift through my entire inbox every damned time I turn the tablet ON.

I’m going to say this once and I really need everyone to pay attention: I check my email a max of three times a day. Once at around 10am to get last night’s and first thing in the morning’s emails. Once at around 3-4pm to get the rest of the day’s emails. And once, MAYBE, late at night, and I stress the MAYBE, to see if anything interesting came in.

That’s. It. It’s not an instant message service. It’s not a phone. You cannot¬†immediately¬†get my attention with email, and I do not appreciate the FIFTEEN EMAILS in my “priority” section demanding to know why I didn’t respond now, now, now, now!

If you need me that badly, pick up the freakin’ phone or text me. Or hell, IM me. I’m on Gtalk pretty much all the time – if I’m at the computer, I’ll answer you. No, I don’t get my IMs on my phone either. I’m 30, not 60, but I do have this thing about getting stuff DONE, and constant connectivity doesn’t exactly help. Read Lifehacker sometime.

I will answer your email when I flippin’ get it, ok? No, that’ s not likely to be right when you send it. I swear to GOD, you won’t die if I don’t answer right this very second.

Otherwise, pretend it’s 1994, and you need something from me. There’s this cool invention called a telephone. Still works great, even in this modern age. Use it. Your fingers aren’t broken, you can dial.

Otherwise, how the hell’d you type so damned much?!

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